I have decided to share my story with the world, I story that I once thought I would never be able to talk about. Finally I feel like I have a little strength to speak about the one person that changed my life forever, my Angel. It was mid January when I found out that I had been given a gift from God. I had a little miracle growing right inside me. The tears I had of joy rolling down my cheeks spoke of the happiness that my heart had held. I immediately told my husband then began phone calling my parents and siblings. BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
Months had passed by and each month I would take a picture of my stomach growing and then forward them to the people I loved most. At 21 weeks I had my second ultrasound. The moment I was waiting for, was it going to be a boy or a girl?
The baby was extremely active the technician can hardly find the anatomy she wanted, but right then and there he revealed his hidden treasure. IT WAS A BOY. I was so happy and began to thank God for his amazing gift. I fell madly in love with him right that second. I started telling him stories of how I wanted are life to be, and each and everyday id tell him little secrets of how he was going to be my number one, my priority, and my goal of building him a perfect life.
I began shopping for him the same day of the ultrasound, I didn’t want to go home without buying him his first outfits and gifts 🙂
During my seventh month I went and visited my parents, they had to see me pregnant. I had the time of my life, finally felt home again after a year passing by. During my flight baby Nazmi was so afraid. As soon as I stepped my first foot into the plane he’d move closer to my heart, I could till he was afraid. The lady I sat by on the plane saw him curled up and asked how far along I was, she loved watching him move in my stomach.
At 8 months I had already had everything ready for him, the crib, bassient, stroller and car seat, all the clothes hed need, the tub and accessories. Everything was all set, I was just waiting for that moment to hold him in my arm.
At exactly 37 weeks I went to my follow up visit. For some reason I felt like something was wrong, the nurse started looking for the heart beats and there was no sign, she moved me in to the ultrasound room and had two doctors come in and I started crying not knowing exactly what was going on. They did the ultrasound and there he was right there infront of my two eyes, the doctors looked at eachother then one of them left, and she said okay honey we have to talk. I started screaming nooo why whats wrong , and she said theres no heart beat, I told her no hes fine he has to be don’t tell me hes gone, she replyed im sorry theres nothing I can do. I screamed of tears and anger, why why , hes right here, hes fine I know he is, I felt him move last night. The doctor was apologizing and she started crying too.
My heart broke and my dreams were all crushed. I felt like I was stabbed in the heart. She told me she was going to call the hospital to get the delivery room ready. I had to call my husband and tell him the bad news and waited for him to come.
While walking out of the clinic I could hardly move my legs and everyone was staring at me wondering what had gone wrong. We drove to the hospital, and they had my room ready, the first thing I saw in the room was the bassinet my baby was going to sleep in after delievery, but the problem was is that he wasn’t going to be able to.
I called my sister and then she called mom and dad and the news spread. The nurse came in about 6pm to give me the inducer. My sister and husband were talking to the doctor trying to decide wether I would have to have a C-section. The plan then was to wait until 2 a.m august 29, 2013 (my wedding anniversary) to either deliever or have the C-section. I was crying the whole time and all I can hear my husband say was give her something to calm her down, I was out of it the whole 3 days. At about 1:30 am I was fully dialated and the doctor couldn’t believe it. I delievered Nazmi at exatly 1:45 a.m. My husband didn’t want me holding him but I insisted. He was in my arms just like I wanted, but no sound, no movement, no cry, just a body. I couldn’t stand it so I told the nurses to take Nazmi.
I was so exhausted and fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and I felt nothing in my stomacH, I started screaming wheres my baby, I want my baby . Nurses came in and gave me a sleeping pill.
Later in the day, my husband and his brothers and father came to get Nazmi so they could take him to the cemetery. I started yelling and begging them to let me see my baby one last time. For some reason I had felt like he was calling out for me, to say our good byes. They brought him to me but he was all wrapped up all I can see was his face, and I told him I loved him and then turned away. That was the last time I got to see baby. He was gone since then and there was no turning back. Every moment we shared together was gone just like a blink of an eye.
Baby Nazmi changed my life forever. I wasn’t going to be the mom I was ready to be. I felt so alone and not one person understood me. The only thing that would calm me down is to say to my self that “He was so precious and so important that God wanted to take care of him for me, that yes I held him in me for 9 months but I was pregnant with him for God. A gift that I got to give back”.
I will always love Nazmi and he will always have my heart. It may be good bye for now but it’ll all be worth it holding him in heaven. I LOVE YOU BABY NAZMI ALWAYS AND FOREVER.